What kills sex in a marriage? Look past the stereotypes

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
Whether it's low sex or no sex, two new books attempt to dispel the gender stereotype that women have all the "headaches." The Sex-Starved Wife,by Michele Weiner Davis, and He's Just Not Up for It Anymore, by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, quash the idea that men are always ready for sex. USA TODAYspoke with the authors about men who aren't in the mood.
Q: Is there an average or normal amount of sexual activity among married couples, and how does it change with time? 



Weiner Davis: It's really very subjective. For some couples, if they had sex twice a week, they'd think they died and went to heaven. For others, it would put them in divorce court. Mutual interest needs to be taken into account. 
Yager-Berkowitz: To me, what's normal is if both partners are happy. From the first days of a relationship to maybe three years, the brain hormones of people tend to be far more sexual to reproduce or form an attachment for all kinds of cultural and psychological reasons. What's normal in the first year of a relationship is very different in 10 years.


Q: Describe what happens in a sex-starved relationship. 
Weiner Davis: It's when one spouse is desperately yearning for more touch, physical closeness, more sex, and the other spouse is thinking: "What is the big deal? Why are you so hassled?" When this major disconnect happens, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. It's really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated and feeling connected and, in this case, feeling feminine. Because of the hurt, they stop spending time together. They stop laughing at each other's jokes. They stop making eye contact. The bond between them really dissipates, and it puts the marriage at risk for infidelity and divorce.

Q: Is avoidance of sexual intimacy primarily a problem of today's baby boomers? 
Berkowitz: It's not an old person or a middle-aged person's problem. We heard from young people who say the sex stopped at the honeymoon. A lot of guys are angry with their wives and say she's critical and controlling. They reacted by shutting down sexually. About half the time in a non-sexual marriage, it's the man who is not interested. Having sex is a habit, and not having sex is a habit, too. It becomes easier not to do it than to do it.

Q: What are your professional backgrounds? 
Weiner Davis: I'm a licensed social worker and a marriage therapist specializing in work with couples since the early '80s. 
Berkowitz: I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I mainly do research, studying the effect media has on sexual behavior. 
Yager-Berkowitz: I have a bachelor's degree in psychology. We do a column for ThirdAge.com, a website for baby boomers, and answer questions as marriage experts.


Q: You surveyed more than 4,000 men and women online who identified themselves as currently or in the past being in a sexless marriage (sex 10 times a year or less). What findings surprised you the most? 
Berkowitz: It shocked me that 68% of men said the reason for their slumping sex drive is that "she's not sexually adventurous enough." That's a lot of finger-pointing. So many used "not adventurous" as an excuse. 
Yager-Berkowitz: A number of men in our survey said the wife had gained too much weight — 38% of men said she "gained a significant amount of weight." Also, it surprised me that 30% of men admitted they had ED (erectile dysfunction). Even 15 years ago, I don't think that would have happened. Now that there are some solutions and some hope, that's allowed a conversation to open up.


Q: You and Redbook magazine surveyed 1,004 women online about their husbands' low sexual desire; you say that low desire is often mistaken for erectile dysfunction. Why?
Weiner Davis: So many people in the general public think low sexual desire is synonymous with ED. He doesn't want sex because he can't have sex. There is some truth to that, in that ED can turn into a problem of low sexual desire, but it is vastly overrated as the only reason men turn off to sex. A man who has erectile dysfunction does not always have low sexual desire. In fact, he will only get low sexual desire if he can't find some effective way or means to remedy the situation because then it becomes an ordeal rather than pleasure. But if a man learns how to manage and overcome it, he might have very high sexual desire.



Q: What should women do to broach the subject with their husbands?
Weiner Davis: What I've found in my practice is how quickly women go from being hurt to being angry. Anger is what men hear from their wives. The more hurt she is, the angrier she gets and the less sex he wants to have with her. It really helps to talk in terms of your own feelings and speak from a more vulnerable position — missing him, wanting to be closer to him, loving the relationship when you are closer physically. Compliment him anytime he approaches anything sexual, even though it's not overtly sexual. Build him up instead of tearing him down.